Backsliding

I backslid today. Pearl gasped in a panic when I made a left turn in front of some cars out of the grocery store. Then she said, "We'll be here forever" when I waited for the cars to go by before I turned into our driveway. I tried again to explain how I turn the same way all the time. That was really stupid. Why do I want to argue with The Dimentia? I tried to reason with The Dimentia on some other topics as well. Makes me wonder who, exactly, has the dimentia now.

Then I saw this post from a distressed caregiver and it made me feel better.  She said: "...I ran away and am holed up behind a closed door now." I do the same thing all the time!

I told my mom that today Pearl forgot that she was mad at her nephew. She asked me, "Did you remind her?" I said, "Of course not!"

No Respite

Here's some irony. I'm more agitated now during my few hours of "respite" from caring for my mother in law with dimentia because my thoughts and emotions are now allowed to go unchecked. While I'm with her, I must constantly practice lojong: give all profit and gain to others, take all loss and defeat upon yourself ("Oh, I'm so sorry I broke that (thing that was broken before I got here)), and completely obliterate my ego. Interestingly, there's a profound peace and serenity in doing that. Now that I'm not practicing lojong, I must go and do my sitting practice in order to maintain my sanity!